Miss M

2011-05-26T00:47:00.002+08:00

i realized my past post entries were so solumn and dead. so not me. but it was me. now i shall be a different person..;)

ciao

2011-05-26T00:16:00.002+08:00

Ooh lah lah bloggie...
I am back..
yupp after a looooong time....

well, let just say i shall start blogging starting from today. hopefully i could be more diligent in that. or at least if my iphone has got blogger app, i don't mind blogging every single hour.

where shall istart?

hmmm okie let's just get into my personal life a little.. yeap. i have broken up with him quite a few months back already due to numerous reasons and disagreements. i guesss it is all the better as i found quite a number of friends and also existing friends who were there for me always just that i turned a blind eye to the always. no tears this time round.

i am enjoying my life now just that i am quite stress with my work and getting alot of pressure from different parties now that i am in the govt line. haiz...

anw, i was at SOUL last thursday and i had the hell of my time. or should i say, heaven! it was the first time i felt so high till closing and asking for more. well, i guess it is the company and all... yupp... great friends like Justin and Boon...
and of course not forgetting Eileen, Wanping, Jeanie, Louis, Cherie, Peggy, Leslie, Jean, Nguk Neng, Li Ting etc...
my official clubbing khakis...

oh yes i was at the movies with Justin and Boon for the Pirates show... okie... quite good with the climax and all... and also much thanks to them for accompanying me to ICA to settle my oath and passport. xoxo!

today, i was at lavendar again. this time, to book the tickets to KL/GENTING for the month of June. with my poly cliques. yupp $200 spent. kinda look forward because i am feeling the heat to work-stress.

okie. i have got quite a number of activities planned to make time past. a pity my two beloved guys are gonna serve the army and only weekends i can see them.

on another note, a good friend who always text me and talk to me, will be back from Australia for a month. when he went there, i was kinda sad. like heartache? now that he is back, and he lives across my street, i am still lost in my directions, my fellow taurian. let fate decide.

ciao boogie!

2010-11-27T01:49:00.002+08:00

ok i took out the courage to blog this.
initially, 2111 was a very happy day nth number of years ago...
later on, 2111 was a very sad day for me to date.

i still feel quite sad that things just had to be like this.. u make my life shun after that.
since we aint acquaintance anymore, i wish u all the best Mr. P.

thank goodness i have 3 great set of friends.
1. poly cliques
2. sec cliques
3. bdm cliques

and i will be on leave for about 2-3weeks in dec. don't miss me!

and i am giving myself an opportunity today. 27/11. to know more about life and r/s

2010-10-14T00:39:00.002+08:00

i need a getaway.. a long getaway...
i not only disappoint you but i also disappoint myself..
loneliness always linger around me..
sometimes, i really wanna be alone and be quiet, friends like weixiong and kenny will call me up and ask me out or chat late at night..
what i really want is not them to call me.. is somebody else..

~ in the heart that cries like a fool~

in the heart, i just want somebody to hold my hand when i am sad
in the heart, i just want somebody to touch my face gently when i cry as i need your magical hands to wipe away my tears..
in the heart, i just want somebody to treat me as if i am the treasure of his life and he cannot live without me...
in the heart, i just want to be the important person in your life...
in the heart, i just want to be placed above things...
in the heart, i just want you to defend me when i'm bullied...

in actual fact, i use my hands to clutch hard near my heart.. because i could feel that pain..
in actual fact, i use my hands to clean away my own tears...
in acutal fact, i gave so much but i got back only very little for return
in actual fact, other things can be more important...
in actual fact, i was placed behind behind behind all the way..
in actual fact, i am weak because i cannot fight back.. i let people bully me..

in actual fact, it is not healed...
heal me O Lord...

2010-10-11T23:42:00.002+08:00

i want lee min ho as my husband in my dreams..
i want zhang dong liang as my second husband in my dreams..
i want cao ge as my xiao lao gong in my dreams..
i want wang li hong as my xiao xiao lao gong in my dreams..

but i want somebody else to be my real husband..

2010-10-11T23:31:00.001+08:00

every night, i go to sleep early...
to solve the problem...
the next day when i wake up, the problem will automatically go away..
i need to talk with them...
den i will be happy...
wednesday...
clarke quay again..
shiyun and i...
just the two of us...
i cant wait.. because i may just c..

2010-10-11T23:18:00.002+08:00

你是不知道和不会去感受到我那种还怕的感觉。

我突然间很害怕。你知道吗？
do you fucking know it?
it really made me scared suddenly...
after days of calming down, u made me uncalm again..

when i could not call you back, i felt frightened... because i thought i have lost u suddenly...
tears just flowed .... do you know...
and you do not even bother to call back even though we have not finished talking..

i completely forgot what we talked about...

i try my best not to disturb u while you are so stress at work..
i sms u to wish you take care...
suddenly our phone line just hang up like that... do you know i am so scared..
do you even know...
do you
do you..........
do you....;..

let me tell you the feeling...
it is like seeing someone you love get killed by a gun shot in the head..
that kind of feeling...
try to feel it you!
do not just think of yourself...
i am human ok!

bye

2010-10-07T01:01:00.002+08:00

i cried again after so many days...
but at least i felt much better...
well, i did not have anything to keep inside me...
just that something said made me crack..
yuppyupp
but all's fine now...

lucky he was there to comfort me when i cried....
i took some more snacks from him.. because i am scared that................................. ya....

and, tmr i am going to start a love story... right here on my blog..;)

my salute to Minister Mentor's late wife, Mdm Kwa.
Thanks for being the supportive woman behind your husband's back.
I should really learn it from you. Apparently, i failed in giving my bf support all this while;( which saddens me quite alot.

Thanks for being the kind mother of Spore.
Thanks for everything.
Most importantly, thanks for showing us a good example of how a relationship could sustain that long. 61 years!

Thanks and farewell to you Mdm Kwa, Wife of MM Lee Kuan Yew..

:(

2010-10-04T00:41:00.002+08:00

in a few days time, it's gonna be our 2 years and 3 months...
and i hope it will be more to come.. it all depends on him .. haha ya..
that's if he really treasure me....
i hope... soon, things will change...
better things of course!

and i decided not to let my blog go on hiatus because i have no one else to talk to already..

and, i hope he will be well..
that's my only hopes now..
i do not even want to care about myself anymore...

2010-10-03T21:42:00.002+08:00

ok.. about yesterday... we went to bday party.. ! a mini celebration..
all i could remember was, it was all the fun i had.. martell and etc...
i remebered things like:crying,sad etc..

yuppyupp
no further details..
but i could feel me being so pain as i gulp down those martell..
yuppyupp
i burned inside badly..
but i drank..
continued more and more because somehow, martell became my really good friend...
when shiyun asked me about my life, i told her i dun wanna tell her because it's rong's bday party.. i cannot talk about my problems because i will cry more..

so i just drank and drank and drank..

anw, close case..
i dunno wad's next..

today went to ah ma's house... i treated my family to crabs..
yuppyupp
total about 100 bucks.. quite cheap.. loved it..
yuppyupp
today dad asked me a question:
" why have you not given ah tatt the phone? ..actually, are you still together?"

and i gave one very lost and stunning look and replied:
" ummmmmmmm... uhhhhhh... ya ....... and i whispered to myself: i think so"

it's been 3 days that i'm all alone..
i'm so worried i will turn to alcohol for being my best friend...
i shall go and sleep..
because no matter what i write here, calls are unanswered... details are all unknown.. so i think this blog shall go on a hiatus.........

2010-10-02T00:00:00.003+08:00

hi mr blog..
this morning was a grouchy bad morning for me..
i woke up late because i stayed up the whole night to c_ _..
and i took cab to work..
$10 fly away ~~~
next, i had training of the lift rescue..
mr lim took me on top to the roof.. and i feel faint..
climbing the THREE storeys high cat ladder... OMG!!
double and triple faint..
den ask me to get on top of the lift car(really outside of the lift) and travel from 30th storey to ground floor... it was super scary ok!
and made me run up and down.. like mad and crazy..
but i'm beginning to like this job because of the many danger..
somehow, i love to put myself in danger now.. because why?
it's fun lor..
i longed for words and right attentions of concern ya ...but i do not have.. so now, i divert all my energy to danger.. would be more fun..
and every day, i get caught in the rain because while inspecting, suddenly will rain..
so everyday, i am sick..
ya..
but it's ok.. i am used to it..

den... called up everyone to accompany go eat dinner in town..
because it's so last minute, everybody was not free to accompany me..
so it's boredom day no.2 for me... sianxxxxxxxxxxxx....

went home to sleep lor.. from 6pm to 10pm.. den later will sleep again.. and tmr's off day for me..
it's ok.. tmr i got a party... i'm gonna wear nice nice clothings..
because it's to celebrate peirong bday.. and we're going to timbre.. clarke quay area..
beer+martell, please get away from me because i will sure drown myself in you..
really
i'm not in the happiest mood recently..

hope i will keep away from beer and all this kind of thing tmr.. (which is quite impossible)
now i have money, i sure can buy one bottle to drink..

anw, people, i am off to bed because my life has been affected..
ciao

2010-10-01T00:53:00.002+08:00

i was happy but now i am not..
caught a killer litter suspect.. but have to send notice.. sian...;(

and, it is important for a person to handle stress properly..
certain times, it can be quite disappointing..

waiting for something to happen or waiting for a simple answer is so tiring.. ;(
never mind...
this is just bad...

2010-09-30T00:38:00.001+08:00

my leg no longer hurts.. my nose no longer pain or whatever...

only because of one reason..

because my heart has only him...
yuppyupp

2010-09-30T00:27:00.002+08:00

hi mr blog...
in the morning, i wasn't feeling that happy because i was suddenly transferred to central from bugis...
it made me upset..
so i wanted to tell victor i had duty so i don wanna go ma maison..
den at about 10plus am, that stupid fat chan kuan tatt sms me that he's at central..
and that gave me alot of energy....

and i decided to go to ma maison to work at night!
yuppyupp so.. today, steven leader brought me to BP plaza to have lunch.. and i bought quite a number of things from daiso..;)
and went back to office after doing site inspection and my worker was upset i fined him $50.. but sorry i gotta play by the books...
if you do not listen to me, punishement will be given to you.. so sorry

and after work, i rushed to take 190 from BP to centrral... all the way, i was sleeping... my head nearly reached my lap throughout and i slept till chijmes area.. OMG... 45mins of sleep.. but damn song!
hahaha super tired to the max...

and after work, fatty chan cooked another meal for me..
it was so damn freaking nice.. but he grabbed too much spaghetti for me..
i could not finish and he helped me to finish it...
this time, my spaghetti was not salty because i did not cry...
i laughed because i am so happy..
but happiness is always short..
i had to go home.. because he has not finished his work..
i was feeling quite sad again.. because i dunno when is the next time i can see him again..
and when i asked if can video call, he say no... booooo.. it made me more sad..
but it's ok...

i will jiayou!
i will endure the 30days!

jia you jia you.. i love myself...
and i also love the fattest pig.. chan kuan tatt..

one thing! chan kuan tatt..
why do you love me?
i'm not pretty.. i'm not slim and sexy.. i'm quite ugly..
i'm not skinny..
i'm fat...
why do you love me?

>________________<....

2010-09-29T00:32:00.002+08:00

yo yo yo mr blog...
yuppyuppp a slightly chirpy and cheerful me today;)
today at office, i had horticulture lessons with cynthia..
scared the daylight and night light out of me...kena chased by monkeys who thought i had food..
i had to chase monkeys out of resident's flat too.. OMG OMG OMG..
so much for being a PROPERTY OFFICER..........
boooooooooooooooooooooooo

and not only that, cynthia told me that now and then(actually often) we will meet with iguanas.. those big fat lizards staring at you...
damn it...

and after that we returned to office after a good lunch at bukit batok...
cynthia is like a mother to me.. she's so nice...
lao ma zi i call her!!

and, after that went to my estate to do checking on three blocks... 440,441,442 fajar road.
dots!
so many dirty things and unclean floors..
so steven taught me to LD them..
yupp... LD equals charging them/fine them...
so i fined my foremen $50..
and i feel quite sad for them because they sure will kena scolded..;( sobsob..
i do not think i am suitable for this job because i have to fine them and scold them but i cannot bring myself to do that...;(
these people come all the way from bangala to earn money and here i am fining them;(
and they still call me sister...
sad sad sad

yupp
den took bus all the way to central..
i slept all the way from bukit panjang to central...
and i automatic wake up...
den i knew CHAN KUAN TATT was at central because lee called me ... telling me that CKT was at central and if i needed to change branch.. maybe bugis or sth..
so i said it's ok... i can take it..
thanks so much lee ...

anw, dinner was abit tiring for me.. because i worked my brain for >10hours...
but all ended with a very much awaited dinner for me... even though my bag has got a packet of my this morning bee hoon breakfast, i chose not to eat that..
only for one reason..
nope.. it's actually not a reason...
it's for love...

i had a two course dinner..
it's a really simple dinner..
but it's the greatest effort i ever experienced..
first of all, my wishes are answered..
my previous blog entry, i wished for that..
and today, by chance(we did not purposely meet or what).. i get it fulfilled..

first was a mistaken salad.. caesar salad..
but he made it a point for me to have a mini fine dining style of dinner with my forks and spoon laid down..
after my salad, i had a very simple stew... spaghetti+miso soup+a very cute egg+spring onion+fried garlic = stew in stone bowl..
yes.. it sounds super simple and like my everyday staff meal at ma maison..
but i ate with tears flowing down into the stew..just that i kept wiping away..
the stew was hot so hot that it burnt my tongue.. but i think it's the best hurt i will get...

in fact, i'm listening to a sad song now...and tearing while typing this.. because i did not know my blog entries would let you cry..;(
and i'm happy.. too happy...

thanks for asking me that question...
thanks for telling me that the pink snack you bought for me will not be the last snack you buy for me..
thanks for hugging me tightly at the lift............

right now, even if i suddenly got into an accident or get eaten by monkeys,
i can die happily..
because i already got what i wanted..and i'm satisfied already...

i wanna take back some words..
that i said to you..
eg: the bf thingy..
eg: the 30days start yest..because i wan it end soon

and i also have a special thanks to serenena who called me up personally to tell me that she still cares for me and is willing to let me share what happened to her.. if i wanna go drinking, i will have to ask her out because she's willing to be there for me..
for the first time, i felt indebted to her... alot..
i'm still willing to put my full force to help her at ma maison at night...

goodnight people.. i typed quite a happy but emotional entry today.
i hope that today, someone's tears will flow lesser than me..
because i already flowed a river of salty tears
i love you ckt

2010-09-28T00:31:00.003+08:00

mr blog hello...
i suddenly thought of my long hair.. how much i really loved it until i cut it really short into a bob...
haiiii
it was so pretty...
anyway, i wanna keep long hair back again.. looks like i have to wait until next year then i see a long hair.. hahaha
and, work today at TC was quite stressed because i started taking responsibilities which is kinda fast for a newbie... i have to learn when i kena fucked by contractors..
i was so glad i ended work at 5.30pm..
den i rushed to the bus stop even though my leg was super pain because i need to buy two heavvy pack of ice for victor .. i had to use my big umbrella as a walking stick.. but i was almost late for work.. so i worked from 6.30pm to 10pm.. den after that, i decided to treat myself to sirloin steak and scallop carpaccio... thanks to ah fei..;) although it was not medium as what i requested, but it's still delicious..
ever since my first pay, i decided to treat myself to good food once every two weeks.. as a reward for myself..!!
yupppppp...........
today i drove my boss car around... because he wanted to show me around bukit panjang because he told me he cant concentrate when he's driving and talking.. so i drove lor! hahaha
today's a tiring day because i do not even know what's my name now..

oh btw!!

my name is not recognized in hbptc!hahaha

my boss calls me : mercy
my bangala worker calls me: messy
my senior leader calls me: errrr you are marcy right?
AND
my other normal brained colleagues calls me: MACY

yuppyupp... hahaha... Macy don't be messy otherwise you will be at their mercy..
tada!
i created a Marvelous Magical Sentence!

ciao people..
but my leg is still pain so i need the umbrella everyday as a walking stick..
walking up the stairs is perfectly fine.. but walking down is OMGWTFKNNCBB... HAHAHAHA

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2010-09-27T12:35:00.000+08:00

my biggest regret right now and i'm feeling super guilty is,
WHEN CHAN KUAN TATT ASK ME WHAT I WANT FOR DINNER AND HE WILL COOK FOR ME, I REJECTED HIM...................

JUST THIS THOUGHT IS MAKING ME CRY AND TEAR AT THE OFFICE.........
I TOTALLY HAVE NO APPETITE FOR LUNCH NOW........

I'M SO SAD.............. EVERYTIME I EAT THE SNACK HE JUST BOUGHT FOR ME, THE PINK COLOUR ONE, I AM SO AFRAID THAT IT WILL BE THE LAST SNACK HE BUY FOR ME...
LIKEWISE, I AM AFRAID I WILL NEVER EAT THE FOOD HE COOK FOR ME..........

SORRY PEOPLE... I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL AGAIN...

I WANT HIM TO ASK ME AGAIN... THE SAME QUESTION......
I'M SO SORRY........
I REALLY WANNA EAT THE FOOD YOU COOK......

PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I'M CRYING NOW

2010-09-27T00:43:00.002+08:00

mr blog...
sorrry but this is my current status right now...
mr pillow..
sorry for letting salty water flow into you every night..
mr blanket...
sorry for using you as my tissue paper...

我寂寞寂寞就好这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱就让我一个人去痛到受不了伤到快疯掉死不了就还好

2010-09-27T00:05:00.002+08:00

sorry mr blog... today i blogged late...
hahaha because something is making me down.. yuppyupp
but it's ok... because i finally can hear his voice already..
but i'm sad because apparently, i'm giving him a hard time...
haiiiiiiiiiiiiii right now, everywhere i go, everything i do, i think so much of him...
just yesterday alone, i was at jalan besar swimming with jiaying and weizhao, i thought of curry rice...
taking mrt, i thought of his ez link card..
hahaha
yupp it's like that..
he called me just a moment ago...
he's quite stress... he sounds stress and he looks stress...and he also feels stress to me..
company stress 49%, i stress him 51%.. i think it's like that..

i just hope he copes well.. i really want to be there for him but apparently, i cannot do that...
actually, we didnt allow each other to do that...
i wanna share my everyday things with him but i am quite afraid to tell him now because it adds on to his stress...
but i really miss him alot...

ok........................ baby... since you mentioned that during this one month, talking to me or seeing me will remind you of things and making you feel stress, i promise to take your stress away with me to a far far far away place... for your free time now, i think you should take a break... yuppyupp
no need call me liao la.....
just sms me when you are freee....
because i do not want to be your burden anymore..................
yuppyupp
jiayou o dear.......
do not worry about me... i will be fine... tmr onwards, i will have alot of work ...... i will keep myself thinking about work work work and earn money only...........
and i hope you read my blog everyday ok???
because this is the only way you can find out about my everyday life for one month...........

and i will wait patiently for one month..............

ONE FREAKINGLY SUPER LONG MONTH.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahaha
now already into 4thday... 26 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woohooooooooooooooooooooooooooo macy!看开一点。。。

真的希望我和dear能够有一个美好的生活以后。我们不要再继续这样辛苦的生活了。
加油哦！！

muacksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss to mr chan kuan tatt...........
oh! and i got my pay already... hahaha.. yuppyupp.. first time getting so much and i'm so happy.... i promised to get you that present and i will get it... my first salary dedicated to you...
i hope you will like it...

okie...
tmr!
another fucking day
so many appointments arranged...
have to meet up with the petrol guy to settle walkway! dots
den tmr got horticulture training with the ever horrifying cynthia.. OMG... how to survive tmr..
and at night, i have to rush down to central to work...
since things are working out well, i may as well be posted back to central??
do you thing i can reach central by 6.30pm mr blog??
boooooooooooooo kns!
right now, bugis and central are the only branches where i can OT until late late... but, i cant be at bugis because dear is there and he'll feel stress seeing me so i just cant go there...
so now, i have to bite my tongue and tahan everythg about victor and work at central...
sobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
jiayou neh macy!
wo ai ni.............. mr blog...

2010-09-25T23:00:00.002+08:00

i called him and he seemed quite busy... like he doesn't want to talk to me...haiiiiii
does he know this is a torture for me? and also for him?
doing this will it benefit us or harm us?
i have a small feeling that it may harm us because our distance are getting further and further apart...
yupp

i dunno wad to do..............................................................................

and, i just realized that i cant hear well in one ear after the swim... hope it gets better..;(
and my nose.................... haiii
my leg...................... haiii haiii haiii...................;(

will he know of my pain now?
i need his comfort now but he wont even want to talk to me..............

2010-09-25T22:30:00.004+08:00

hello hello hello...
last night, i did not go home.. i went to jiaying's house to sleep.. yuppyupp...
and this morning after waiting for her to finish tuition, we went to jalan besar to swim...

despite my leg was super pain, i still swam..
yupp
my leg is painful because on friday, when my colleagues and i climbed the rooftop, i kinda sprained my ankle and toughen my muscle.. so it's quite sore.. but i still insist that it's not hurt.. yuppyupp..
so now, it's quite badly swollen after the swim which i made it worse..

i doubt he will know about it because maybe he only have time to read my blog when he's not so stress or when he's free...

i hope that you really keep to your promise of showing me more concern...
which i'm quite pessimistic about..

anw, now i'm back home...
going to sleep now as i have nothing to do...
3rd day only now... fuck

2010-09-24T22:11:00.003+08:00

today is the second day... and i really miss him so much..
yuppyupp

and, today morning, i was quite tired at work because i cried myself to sleep again. but this time not so long because i was determined to go through the one month.
yupp... last night i was working at central. yuppyup.. and i opened my mouth to talk to E..
and, it was quite ok..
anw, work today was damn bad.. morning, training at the freaking rooftop.. i had to climb the stairs without the caging and i scared myself so much.... in fact i got wobbly legs.. till now... i got freaked out.... working as a property officer, i have so many risks.... haiiii..

and i went to bugis to get my umbrella... i saw him and he looked quite happy...
which is good.
but deep inside me, i am very sad......
because i really miss him alot..

last night, i waited for him to sms me... i waited for him to tell me that he reached home and update me on things but, ya... i got disappointed..
cannot call so have to sms.. at least, he shld keep me updated...

he doesnt allow us to call each other.. haiii...

so dear, pls sms me more ok...

and i'm still lost...

ciao people.. i am still not myself yet.....

2010-09-23T02:24:00.001+08:00

day one ... missing you;)

2010-09-23T01:05:00.002+08:00

life is full of ups and downs..
when life is ups, you feel that it will never end because you are just too happy...
but when life is downs, you feel that it last forever... because you are just too sad...
right now, my life is kinda down but i shall always believe that it will be up soon!
yupp;)
right now, i shall use words to comfort myself...;)

right now, i have been thinking about something.. yea..
many people wishes to have a home but they do not have a home...
a home means, to have a shelter over your head and also to have complete family members.

i wanna for the first time, mention about my life openly..
when i was younger, in fact when i was born, there was already a signed agreement for me to be given away..
yupp... to put it crudely, i do not have an actual parent..
yupp
yupp
yupp..
these are all facts..

further details shall not be revealed but only one person knows..
that person is somebody important in my life..;)

i want a complete home... i want to have a good faithful husband... boyfriend first den husband la..
and i really hope that it will be him la...
this is the starting of our day 1...
i am still quite sad..;(
how am i gonna survive?

i hope everythg will improve well..

2010-09-23T00:16:00.002+08:00

YO.... TODAY'S THE START OF THE FIRST DAY...
YUPP..
IT'S A THING BETWEEN ME AND HIM..
YUPP... WE ALMOST BROKE UP...
apparently, his point got across me but my point not yet i think..

well, i hope it works out well..!!

2010-09-22T23:50:00.002+08:00

PLEASE TAKE NOTE... WHATEVER BLOG ENTRY THAT TAKES PLACE ON OR BEFORE 14 SEPT DOES NOT COUNTS OR MATTER..!

PLEASE READ ENTRIES ON OR AFTER 23 SEP 2010..!
THANKS

2010-09-14T00:28:00.002+08:00

new entry!!!!

sometimes, you treat me really good..
but somehow, you just had to make me super upset..
getting so touchy and being so close to a girl in the kitchen is quite unacceptable..
sometimes, it's not the girl who wants to be close to you..
there are many actions you could have avoided.. but instead of avoiding it, you chose to get closer..
many outsiders witness and informed me..
what hurts me is not what i see.. but it's how others see of you..
who doesn't get jealous?
think about it!

you kept insisting from day 1 up till now that there's nothing going on... i believed you.. up till now... but your actions towards the only girl in the kitchen is somewhat unaacceptable...
have you talked to her?
i think you have not made it clear to her..

how would you feel...if another guy starts to get touchy with me and talk to me about sex topic? ! (this happened!)
your reaction was, asked the other assistant chef to complain to boss..
at least i appreciate that thought so much... really
BUT,
not long after, you were back to chatting happily with the guy who verbally sexually harrassed me...
do you know how sad i felt?
really really sad..

you kept saying that working in the kitchen surely will get touchy with others because of the cramp space and you saying that, that's your style..
would you even spare a thought for me?
my feeling all along was: my bf flirts with other girl and i have to accept the fucking fact..

do you even bother to comfort me when i cried over this?
the only thing you did was, reprimand me for being over sensitive..
i am a girl who yearned for comfort and comfort and nothing but comfort..a guy who can constantly show his comfort for her...

from 2008 till now, my hands grew longer and longer... because, everytime i am sad, i hugged myself to comfort myself...
the only time you said sorry to me was, when i cried very badly when i found out about your rendevouz with her...
i forgave you but it happened again... you are always asking me to xiang yi xiang... but have you thought about it too?

i did so many things for you.. helping to apply for this and that... helping to find out about this and that... and you can totally forget about it...

in the past months, my crying frequency was every two nights...
now, my crying frequency is zero... because i have no more tears to spare...

i figured out that you wont be reading this post as well.. so i wrote it all here.....

this is the only place i can talk to...
i yearned for love ... not for emptyness.............

2010-08-31T01:04:00.002+08:00

dear, boyfriend,
i guess you would not be reading my blog anymore.. or maybe i do not have any more blog readers.. well, it's ok... i still wanna write out my feelings here... it's just so sad that you do not even bother to remember my things or participate in my life..
i feel like i'm a widow in disguise...
a husband whose's not here for me anymore..

i've got to remind you that 18 may was my graduation. you congratulated me on 19may.
i told you in advance that i was going for my first full time job interview on a particular day and everybody encouraged me and wished me luck. all but you.
i told you i was going for my second interview and you mistaken it that I GOT THE JOB ALREADY. on top of that mistake, you did not even bother to congratulate or feel happy for me when i got the job. when i told you that i got the job on monday, you kept insisting that i told you i got the job on SUNDAY... WHERE ON EARTH OFFICE OPERATES ON A SUNDAY...
i told you this and that ... but you always mix up those and these...

it tortures me deeply...
i kept telling myself, from now onwards, i shall not tell you anymore important things..
for instance:
when's my first pay, how's the job on my first day, when's my first day of job, when i going for holiday, when i am on mc, when i am working or not, that i injured myself, i have a proud achievement of something at work...
all these shall not get to your ears.. ANYMORE..

even though we are officially and physically together, our hearts are no longer together...
you chose it to be a dead switch.
for now, what's the point of doing so many things for you when you do not even fuckingly bother about me or my important achievements?

i can bet with you now, you do not even know what's my post and where exactly i am working.
i selfishly bad-illed myself... i put you as the first in everything, making sure that you get the things that you want, helping you apply for this and that.. i even wanted to forsake my uni studies so that we could settle down quickly as you are not young anymore...

i'm totally wrong

i shall be selfish again...
this time to you...

no point doing things for you because you do not fucking appreciate what i did and all your memories of me are, ________________________________________________
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BLANK

because you do not bother to remember me..........
please don't use your age or work as an excuse..
i guess you can ask yourself this..
- who doesn't have stress at work?
- who at your age will be so dead?

yupp...
even self-employed also has his problems and stress... but when it's time to let go of the stress, they can manage it well...

anyway, think about it..
if you ever read this blog, i guess it will be one week later...
no... maybe one month later..
no... maybe two months later..
no again.. maybe a year or two years later...
no... maybe 10 years later..
no... you'll never read this because you can't be bothered with your girlfriend's life and her things anymore..
that's to you, ignorant idiot.

regards,
your tolerating and hurt girlfriend

2010-06-03T01:43:00.002+08:00

yo yo all... how's everything my friends!. hmmmm i'm leaving for taiwan reaaaal soon... oh my... i am still having the phobia of sitting in an airplane... quite scary... i have not packed my bag or even prepared my things at all... but i have written it down in a list form...

well, monday i will still work before taking leave.. because their kinda shorthanded...
hmmmm... and lucky for me, i did not have to face the crowd when mm starts to offer that stupid 25%.. yeapyeap...

ok... yesterday night had a slight disagreement with bf..quite normal... cried a little but it was quite normal.. hope to solve things soon....
and, many things are happening in mm... well rendezvous time for some people... and kept accusing me of things that i had not done.. well, to me, i may mind of such things but all i know is, my mind is clear so i have no fear and should not bother about such things. anyway, just a short message. we all only have a chance to live once.. just once... it could be a short one or a long one. it all depends on how u manage. yupp that's right.
just recently, i went to aunty anna's funeral. she's 49. she's a good friend. a lady with elegance and poist. a very generous, demure lady. she has got no child. but she has a good husband who cared for her right till the moment she was at her deathbed. she contracted liver cancer just 8 months ago. by the time she discovered it, she was already at her 4th stage. which also means that it was 90% incurable. that 10% shall be given to her as hope and her determination. but sadly, she crumbled in her husband's arms on 28 may 2010.

doctors told uncle eng huat that she was to go anytime on 28may2010. nevertheless, uncle huat rushed to carry her in his arms. for an hour. and as time ticks, she slowly started to fade and got ready to meet up with the Lord. about an hour later, she died peacefully in her husband's arms. the thought of this made me realize even more that, we should not be too greedy in life. we should accept what we have. even though they had no children, all they need was each other's comfort and companion. what's the point of having a luxurious car/condo/bungalow/money/even affairs behind your spouses back? will getting all of these earn you the credit for a good life?

no!

i pray to Lord that aunty anna will rest in peace.
and of course, as a beautiful person and child of God.

on tuesday morning, we proceeded to Singapore Casket for her funeral service. after which, we drove to mandai where there will be about an hour of last funeral service for her. as we sang the hymms of God, i cried. when i saw the leong family members cried profusely for her, i cried in silence and of great regrets for her. when i saw the eyes of uncle eng huat sadly looking at her coffin and not wanting the coffin to be covered for her to be cremated, i cried too.. thoughts went through my mind. thoughts such as, uncle eng huat must be thinking of the time they met and fell in love, when he proposed to her, etc.

how sad this can be to anybody with good mind

when we saw the coffin slowly being pushed by a machine to the place where fire furnace is, my legs went jelly-ish. because aunty anna will be leading a journey alone to heaven.

God bless her.

ok people.. this is not a fiction story. this is true life..
treasure the people around you, giving them the best that you could give.
never let loneliness overcome you.

guys... i hope you all pray for my safety in taiwan as well.. pray that the flight i'm in will be safe... i'm thinking alot...
hahahahahah
but anyway, i believe that God will protect us... ;)
i look forwarD to the taiwan trip!

2010-05-25T01:53:00.002+08:00

i hope i am not holding u back of your plans..
i hope i am not selfish...
am i selfish to you?
i really want you to be happy... but somehow, i felt that you are stuck somewhere because of me...
if i was not here, would you have had a good life with a good family already?
did my presence made you pause all your plans?

i just want the best for you... all decisions are decided by you...
all i ask for is, for you to be happy

2010-05-04T01:15:00.002+08:00

this 500th is my dedication to u...
i'm just super hurt by her actions..
i once admired u.... and maybe liked u... i dunno...
now, u have totally ignored me... i wonder why...
and here i see in your fb, u hav photos of yourself enjoying with that person.... why is it so difficult for us to meet up but easy for u to date her?

why...

when i wished u at the holiday inn(sorry i had to use chimology here), all u did was nothing...
my mind went blank instantly..
and i really wished that i could go home immediately...
i even called shiyun wad to get for u...
and we had to brainstorm a little..

and this is wad u do to me..
i'm damn hurt... quite badly...
forgive me for saying this, but u'll totally be out... including those pictures!

2010-04-29T00:42:00.002+08:00

sis is here in singapore... have been bringing her around... and now is gonna be broke before i go for taiwan... and and and, my life is just damn miserable... sometimes i don see the importance of me at all... to somebody... maybe everybody's too busy with their work and things... but, nobody's treating me like i'm important in their lives at all... not even people who are closed to me...
i may say i'm ok but i think i always crumble and fall in the end... why am i always doing things for people closed to me but i do not get a return of anything at all?

will blog more after sis go back to thailand... and facebook will have pictures!!

2010-04-08T02:07:00.002+08:00

i really miss everythg so much...
the past.........'

and korkor just fb-ed me on fb.. duh..
he told me that he's divorcing sharon in one years time...
i'm just so sad..
actual more to shock..
why is this happening?

is the power of love too overpowering/

i really miss u alot!
my dear!

2010-04-05T02:36:00.003+08:00

family is useless...

dad's always going to thailand... leaving mum and i here...

today's my off day... wanted to drive mum to town to have some good food because i just got my pay.. but she told me she doesnt wanna waste the petrol $ and $ on food... gt angry and we had normal food downstairs..

sometimes, i really wish to be nicer to my mum but she doesnt appreciate at all..
i give up...
just let other people say i that i treat my mum no good...
i'm not a good daughter..
go ahead...
this is the life that i have...
sometimes i really wish to share all this fucking things with someone...
but someone is always so tired...
everyday i listen to his work problems but he has seldom asked me about my problems... expecting me to tell it to him all by myself... why cant u just show some concern? by asking me?... why do i have to tell u volunteerily?
now, i hope i work myself until i get really really tired...
24/7 would be the best...

no point and no goal in my life anymore...
so tired of just hanging on to certain things...
my strings is on the brink of snapping..
sorry shiyun.. not that i do not want to share things with you but the moment i share one sentence with u , i get emotionally uncontrolled...
sorry...
i guess only u understand me...
not even my boyfriend........

2010-04-05T01:32:00.003+08:00

right now , u are super stress...
so i shall not bother u by making u call me every night and also every morning to wake me up...
although i said that i do not mind at all,

but actually i mind alot...

i do not want you to be stress because u still have to call me after work.. or even before you sleep.

actual fact: i feel happy when u call me after work and before going to bed... that i know how u are doing and how's ya work and where u are... and i also can advice u on what happen... and also your voice is the last thing that i hear before i sleep.... and when i sms u to let u know i'm sleeping and telling u to take care, u dont reply... even in the morning when u see it... it hurts alot...

i guess i'm waiting for something that i wont get back...

actual fact 2: i feel happy when u call me every morning to wake me up...when u asked me is it necessary to call me every morning to wake me up? i felt so hurt... real hurt but i did not show it out because i only got hurt after i came to think about it more... why i feel happy when u call me every morning?? simple answer... i cannot get to see u first thing in the morning but i can use my sense of hearing to hear your voice.. to me, this is more than enough and i am contented..

but i guess, i want to forgo all this so that you would not feel the stress of having to call another person... because u have to call so many colleagues after work to talk about work.. i guess u are already scared of your phone..

so it shall be no force anymore...

anyway since u read my blog but do not response at all, i will just write everything i want here without caring if u mind or not...

it is just like i am talking to the wall...
because a wall does not response...

anybody else who reads my blog will think that i am crazy as i am talking to a "wall" but ya.. this is a fact...
it is ok.. this is our life... i've accepted it...
i can cry so many nights... but nothing will change...
every night i am so fucking sad that u are treating me this way...
but again, this is life...
every time u say u will change,... HAHAHAHA
wad a joke!
never mind...

bye

2010-03-23T01:18:00.002+08:00

sometimes i just want attention from u.................
u know what the fuck is attention or not?
EVERY single night, i'm staring blankly at the screen hopefully we can talk about other things other than fucking work...
fuck... i'm fuck tired already...
this whole thing, i am all alone... sad things i face it alone... happy things i also face it alone...
i'm fucking lonely ok..........
i'm like totally stranded out of ya life...

it's all so one sided.....

fuck everything..........
now i'm just going to work and work and work... just purely working without eating too...
land myself sick and probably hospitalised.... that's the only way to get your attention i suppose...
sometimes i even wonder if i really get hospitalised, will u even visit me?
now i really wish that any road i cross, i will be hit by a fucking car and probably never wake up from there...
or maybe i should drive my car and let accident occur... get myself seriously injured...
no i shouldnt do that because my dad paid very expensive for the car...
now i do not even know if i even belong in your world .................

from the lonely girl who wants to get attention...
probably the best way is to place an advertisement in the newspaper...
ORBITUARY!

2010-03-22T01:10:00.002+08:00

this world have changed.. i thought that only guys who are not married flirt and have flings...
but, even married man also do that too..
in fact this guy i know, .... is possibly and probably having a fling... omg... i totally lose my respect for him.... lucky, i'm going to the new outlet... i don need to face him at all.. he is an s-hoe...

and, things could be coming to an end soon...
i'm more than prepared for anything...
but i have to say that, i'm very sad already...

2010-03-17T00:36:00.002+08:00

ok i forgot to blog about the chalet.. omg...
well, basically, we all arrived quite early...
so we barbecued the food and eat on the way.. hahaha
for me, this is the first bbq i ate alot alot... because i'm damn effing hungry...
den we also played ban luck... and i won about 1 buck.. hahaha.. considering that we all played 10 cents and 20 cents only...
den at about 8plus pm, we played mahjong... hahaha we brought the whole table from outside to the room.. lol...den we chionged all the way to 8am... omg..12 hours... but for the rest, i am not too sure.. hahahaha
went home at about 8plus am..

anw, now talking about my current plans...
now, i'm just gonna take a long big break..
to go on holidays with family and frens...
this is also to see if i will be able to graduate peacefully with no hiccups...
so currently, i'm still a part timer at ma maison.. last month would probably be in august.. yuppyupp...
so now, i'm a central employee...
but i just got an effing msg from that effing victor that i will be temporarily helping out at millennia walk(new branch) so that i can help to set rules and keep in place of the machines, items, products and food and the promotions... lol... i so great meh? but why the eff is my pay still the same?
u all want me to do such managerial work but pay me so little.. u think i wanna do?
eff care all of u la...

but anw, about one week from now, i will stil be at central...
after that, i will go to MW from 22 march onwards... the shop will be closed and not ready for opening yet but will be there doing sinang work.. hahaha... which is good in a way la...
so hopefully, i get to be able to maintain order in terms of employees standard...
yuppyupp.. because some staff of ma maison are getting lazier...

the other day at central, a new staff,queenie, came.. she's a fillipino attachment student...
so i trained her...
and she found out that i was quite nice to get along with..
so we joked and played.. but when we get busy, she still continued playing... i told her that for me, my standard of everyone would be, when it's time for work, we get serious... but at the same time, we can also have a little relaxed moment...
so she obeyed..
and of course, i managed to get majority of my central staff to have such standards in them...
in a way, it's really good because the sales in central is really going higher and higher..
honestly speaking, i'm quite happy with my achievement..
yuppyupp

just like yesterday, i gave margaret and viola(new staff) a daily individual target... although there's no incentive for managing to sell the items i asked them to sell, at least i managed to convinced them that the target/goal i gave them would prove a few things about themselves..
for example, they get to open their mouths and communicate with the customers...also at the same time, it can boost their confidence... true enough, they did it!... they thanked me for everything but i told them that all of this depends on their hard work.. not me...
basically, in central, caramel pudding and macha pudding goes out really slow... means, hard to sell... so when i check the fridge, there were 5 caramel pudding and 3 macha pudding .... usually, these amount will take about 5 days to complete.. sometimes more...
so, i wrote on the board that these puddings shall be their monday target...
i told them this at 6pm...
at about 8.40pm, all of these were finally sold out....

so people, what's the point of this whole thing?
- to open up and boost your confidence..;)

* i don't think many people reading this entry gets my point.. but as long as my under staff get my point can already;)

ahahahahha.. and i show off to victor that the puddings were sold out and he didnt believe me until i proved it to him...
initially, he said that it's impossible to sell all... so in the end, all thanks to margaret and viola..;)

ok...
so now, i'm thinking of ways on how to make MW become like bugis!!
challenging...
tmr shall start full force work with victor and also the planning of MW... omg..

2010-03-15T00:42:00.002+08:00

i think she's a loser...

really...
saying about me but does she ever use her brains to think?
she's causing harm to herself by being like this..
anw, brainless people...
hard to tackle...

childish loser...
that's wad everybody's calling her.. yuppyupp
however, everything will be over soon...real soon...
just watch and see...

oh and i also forget to emphasize on the word, pathetic...
and please brush up on your english..
a teenager speaking and WRITING kindergarten language...
how funny...
i have also treated this as a joke...
probably the joke of the year...

doing all of this for admitting...
hahahahahahahaha

2010-03-14T02:19:00.003+08:00

oh my.. that female dog is barking again...
her barks are so useless....
anw, her barks shan't be bothered..
only stupid people will even look into it..
hahaha
i cant believe that i have such people in my life...

get lost la..
hahahaha

and Annual Dinner and Dance was not fun at all....
so the ex...friends+bf..
thought alot and wondered if things didn't change would i be seated at that table...
nah.. it's ok... all of us have moved on... happily i guess..
anw, to charles and peiqi, siongleng and alice, evelyn and her bf, jay and xinmin, azri and shida, xiaofang, yihui, peiling,weeteck... and the rest of everybody's frens;)
thanks for the memories...
for the past and everything...
they shall remain as part of my happy memories story...
i had wanted to take pictures with all of u ... but i felt that things wont be right and all of us will feel awkward... besides, i wasnt confident in anything and it will definitely affect the pretty and handsome side of all of u ...

so, i say with florence and gideon because i had no one around me.. hahaha how pathetic..
i had the hope of having last minutes notice that at least one of my classmates will come but ya they dint...
so my hopes were dashed..

everyone was asking me who i was waiting for.. and i had to tell a white lie:" oh my fren lor.. hahaha.. see u later ah.. and ah, u are so pretty/handsome today wor"

yuppyupp

but anw, went for my hairdo.. decided to pamper myself well.. hahaa.. so did alot of things la..
and, drove to bugis to borrow money from my guy... den all the wows and whoa macy came about.. haha... i took the money and ran away... den quickly drove to orchard from bugis..
hahaha...

yuppyupp... oh btw, i left halfway because i was actually on the brink of tearing... when florence left for toilet, i smsed keith to thank him for everythg... i also left the ballroom hopefully without catching any attention... especially from that table... yuppyupp... but apparently, i had to bid them goodbye...

somehow, alot of things reminds me of my 2006 grad night...

take care everybody and all the best in the paths u choose;)

2010-03-12T00:57:00.004+08:00

i don't understand... why the moment u see something, u think about that first more than me?
why...
the thought of it, makes my heart bleed more than how the glass cut me...

it really seems that u are showing more concern to her than me...
it's obvious...
is it because of her cuteness? her naiveness? or maybe because u guys worked along too often?
i have tried and tried...
tried but i failed...

why does she have to fuckingly come in between us?
her presence has caused so much disturbance...
why not just fuck off pls?

i'm not feeling well.... all u could say is, take rest...
when she's tired, u were full of concern to ask her to take care and rest more... and all the crap... so much more crap... really...

now i think, it's all not worth it...
at all...

2010-03-08T23:27:00.002+08:00

a person/famous director in singapore has had an affair with young girls...
how's ya views on this?
for me, tsk tsk tsk..
effing custard..
really...
ppl are criticising the girl... but have anyone thought, if guys can control themselves, would such things happen?
guys will always say, sorry sorry i will never do it again... but, things and history will happen again...
are guys too easy to trust?
are guys so easy not to trust?

questionaires people...

on a lighter note,
had lessons for safety.. yuppyupp
and, skipped halfway to go justin house mahjong-ing...
drove out of school and chiong all the way to jurong west... hahahaha.. the guys who took cab reached first.. wahaha.. sorry because i went back home to fill in petrol...
lose the most in mj today.. kanasai...
this year, my luck is damn bad in gambling... shall try my best not to gamble anymore.. hahaha...

and, tomoro, i shall drown myself badly in alcohol... long time no drink hard liquor... actually since sabai la...and i've got news that maybe next weeek we going again..;) hahahaha... mathilda's farewell.. ;(

till then, see u all!

2010-03-07T23:42:00.002+08:00

sometimes i just wish to be that special someone...
i just wanna be that someone whom you ONLY talk sweetly to...
someone whom you ONLY think of when you see familiar things...
someone whom you ONLY think of(maybe of some exceptions)
i don't wan the same special things you say or treat or talk or behave or look at ANOTHER person...
most importantly, i don't want to be the person whom you lie to for the sake of another person..not once or twice but countless times...
this is damn hurting.. actually, up till date..

currently, i will just go on working...
work till i really tire myself..
in fact, i'm already tiring myself...
i only sleep once every two days... and only for a few hours...

just know when i was driving on the expressway, i swayed alot of times.. in and out of the lane.. cars horned at me... i was feeling very giddy...
i felt myself shaking... very greatly...
a kind young man driver asked me to pull over at the road shoulder...
he offered me a hot drink...
and i drank it...
rested for 15minutes..
and he asked if i could still drive...
i said yes as i was getting better..
but he was worried and he escorted me home... this was the first time i'm driving so slow on an expressway... 30-40kmh...
thanks anonymous guy!

may u have the best in the entire world!

;)

i see that there are many such nice guys...
and i asked myself why....
really
and,
i've decided..
instead of just aweing, i shall work towards giving others an opportunity..;)

2010-03-01T23:04:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling so sad... another sad point of my life..
even though i tell myself not to think about it, somehow, it just come out on my head...
for three nights, i slept at 6am and later than that..
i got to bed at 3am.. but tossed and turned until 730am today...
during these 4 hours, i cried and cool down den cried again..
half of me says to go ahead with the plan...
half of me says not to go ahead with the plan...

i cant even concentrate for my exams at all...

just feeling too numb over it...

i am thinking, is it really for your own good?
haiiiiii i shldnt think now... still feeling so sore and sad...

am i doing the right thing??
sacrificing my happiness for yours.......
this is the biggest thing i did in my whole life...

this is so sad..

2010-02-19T01:15:00.000+08:00

i have a new chinese post at the bottom.. please check it out...
only to that special person!

2010-02-15T02:22:00.002+08:00

first of all, happy chinese new year to all! have a great week full of angpao(AP)!!! $_$
and also a happy valentines day!!
and also a happy total defence day tomoro!!!

ok... went for visiting at grandma house...
most of the uncles, aunties, my cousins, my nephews and my nieces were present...
i collected quite alot of AP too..;)
yuppyupp!!
so aunty sally cooked alot but i ate most of the chicken feet.. hahahaha kinda addicted to it liao...
and we also have a new addition to the kweh/kwek family...
the 5 months old deana kweh..;) hahahaha will post the pics here and on fb soon... yuppyupp....
after that, went to aunty esther house..;) gamble gamble gamble!!

kinda sad to see big aunt have dementia, shaky body, poor hearing and eyesight.
she even forgot to give me AP but that doesnt matter... i really wish she will become much much better because she treat my grandma really good... and for once, i see my grandma feel damn sad...... that made me more sad than ever.. hai.. life is frail.. we have to really take care..

and at aunty esther house, i won $6 from ban luck.. haiya.. not enough... maybe tomoro or saturday should win more! more more more...
this $6 only can cover 1/4 of my petrol today that i used lor..

and this few days have been calling bf and smsing him alot too...
hahahaha....
our dirty little secret... shhhhhh

and i have another more interesting thing to tell...
friday's thai pub session! woohoo.... we stayed until like 4.30am..
ok... so me,cass and net went there from bugis at about 12mn...
den met mengswee and SL at the pub... they already finished one whole martel..
sl was alrdy drunk like f... becoz sl was alrdy shouting shouting like mad person..
den ms made us start to drink...
i think we were not high enuf yet becoz we were damn quiet.. but we slowly slowly drink la..
den soon start to get high...
danced to the bob...
shake like mad..
my hair was pretty bt it became unglam.. fug!
i shaked alot too! OMG... damn fugging high la...
i think i drink too much becoz i keep going to the toilet every 15 minutes lor...
den me n cass more high... we started singing those thai songs and blah!
so i told her i wanna go toilet and lucky she acc me becoz outside the toilet got alot of those people so i abit scared la also becoz i walk damn not straight already.. and my contact lenses were damn blur... all the way to the toilet i had to hold on to the damn shaky and wobbly cass also.. hahaha...
oh by the way, by 3am, we downed 3 bottles of martel... first bottle by sl and ms... 2nd bottle, net, me,cass,sl,ms... 3rd bottle net,me,cass,ms.. 4th bottle which i came up with $50, drank by me, cass net, mat, mad, ser,ms... yuppyupp more people..
wa sian lor...
pay tat $50 drink and pass it all out in urine within 1 hour... kns..

den i asked cass out of the pub/club.. also dunno wad la..
first, i wanted to talk to her..
but den, when outside, i damn feel like vomitting...
but somehow kena swallowed down.. kns.. ewww..
and den i talked to cass..
halfway talking, she vomitted...
and........ omg...
den ser call me say wanna go home liao...
time check: 4.45am..
wa lau.. still damn early lor..
i also cant go home..
so let ser and the rest go home first... me cass and ms stayed..
me and cass at first already say tat we will roam at the streets until 11am where we start work... den ms come and be the light bulb.. wa thanks lor!
so me and cass couldnt have our " liang ren shi jie" lor! thanks AH!
ms wanted to send the super drunk cass home with me... den i say don wan... becoz i was starting to get sober... but i don wanna go home..
den cass started sleeping on the grass after vomitting and while ms flaggin for cab, i let her lay on my lap... she's damn heavy...
den finally after 6.30am, we got a cab...
we boarded and went to bukit merah where we asked catherine bf come carry cass up to her house...
i wanted to stay with cass at her house but her dad wake up so me n ms just run away la...
ms sent me to bukit timah in a cab den he continued the journey to jurong west....

and i did a stupid thing!

i took a bus 61 to central.. becz i dint wanna go home.......
so i reached central at about 7.45am...
and i went to starbucks to order oats and coffe...
slack until 9am..
went to burger king eat hashbrown..
and called bf to chat...
while eating hashbrown, i almost wanted to vomit..
and until 10am, i went up to ma maison..
to sleep... changed shift with ricky..
den i slept at the counter..
was having that fugging hangover alrdy...
headache like mad..
going to vomit..
sustained!

den just continued working until 3.45pm.. den home sweet home... slept on the bus until i reached home...
bathed and went out again ... for reunion dinner...
after that, i went home at about 10.45pm.. den dear called me at 12mn.. to wish us happy valentine day... and den after that i slept until 2pm today.. hhahahahaha

i'm so pig!

i think i don wanna make myself dead drunk until like that...
i hope to cut down!
sorry eugenia for not promising you all this....
have a nice day everybody!
love macy.............

2010-02-10T23:01:00.002+08:00

have been doing lots of things at home... just don wanna think too much.. have been wondering if i am doing the right thing by voicing out my thoughts....
i was thinking, it is still not too late to remove my previous blog post... half my heart wants him to see so that we could work something out without breaking up or whatever... but half my heart don want to see because linda have been telling me good things about him and i also don wan us to break up or whatever..

arghhhhhhhhhhh

somebody be a hero and save me from this fix.........

and oh ya... to not think about such things, i slept 90% of the time and studied my events management 2% of the time.. the rest of the time was spent on watching tv... hahaha

ciao... wish me luck in everything i have now!

2010-02-09T01:57:00.006+08:00

到如今，我还是无法感受到那个安全感。
为什么我一直觉得你每一次都有很多东西在隐瞒着我?
我不知道但是自从你承认你有喜欢过m女孩之后，我更加认为我很难接受你。
虽然你说了对不起，但是我还是感觉不出你的对不起。
我觉得，你和m女孩一起沟通比和我一起沟通还快乐。
我也知道有时候，你宁向她诉苦多过我。这些information一直都在我脑海里游泳。
我也是知道你以前经常和她在msn聊天，玩耍。这点我真的无所谓。
我很在乎的是，你每次告诉我说要让你平静下来，你想自己看电视，休息。但是你却和她说话。
你这样做让我很沮丧。让我失去你的信任。
可能这是我胡乱的猜测吧。也可能是女人本性的第六感吧。
我一直告诉我自己，一定要信任你。要对你有信任。
waaaaaaaaaaa。。。有一点困难啊。

我和父母去年打算好要去泰国和日本玩的。
但是有很多事情在让我很忧郁。
因为你有告诉过我你的过去。真的让我害怕。
你也说你之后就不会再犯同样的错误了。我也就在此相信你。
但是，之从m女孩进来和我们一起做工之后，而且你对她有好感。
让我更加害怕。让我更加不想和父母去泰国和日本旅行了。
我很害怕我从这些国家回来之后，后果会是什么。
我怕我会很后悔和父母出国。
我怕我会把我和父母带的好回忆都会变成坏回忆。

大家都说，男人的话是不可以靠的。

我真的很想改变这句话。
本来我可以的，但是后来，我觉得我越来越弱了。。

简直是说到容易，但是做到就难。

我知道你做工很难很辛苦很累，根本没想要说这种无聊的话题。
这些话题是可以避免的。但不会很久。

以我之前的经验，我最讨厌花吃的男生。
有时候，我觉得你ok..有时候就不ok..

可能，你已经经全力给我安全感了，只是我还没有感觉到。

我也知道你是阿头在bugis.
我也知道你必须和下手不管是男的或是女的都得打一个好的接触。这我能了解。
只是我对你很失望因为你喜欢m女孩的时候，你是公司不分明。

老实说，我是有想过要提出分手。但是，我办不到。因为我不想让以前我发生的事带到现在。
而且我有告诉过你，一旦我们两个分手，我不会再去谈恋爱了。

现在呢，我觉得最好的方法是我们两个暂时不要沟通。
让我门去冷静一下。

其实，我每一次都写出我的感受在我不落各
就是希望你能说些话让我开心，安慰我。
就是希望我们能好好的讲话，沟通。
就是希望我们之间没有秘密。
就是希望我们之间不对彼此撒谎。
你可能是没有时间或兴趣读，我也不怪你。

因为，我的希望总是变成一片空白。

我有做出很多事是希望你能为我骄傲。
比如，
希望你能把我照片放在你皮包和手机，是希望任何人看到就会称赞我们。
希望你能大大方方告诉任何一个女孩包括当时告诉m女孩说你已经有心爱的女朋友了，而不是让她发现原来你是有女朋友了。

其实，我知道你表达力可能没有那么出色或明显，我也不会怪你。

还有哦。。。

有很多时候，我被人欺负真的很想告诉你。
我会有这个心态说，不要烦你。自己忍气吞声。
也有时候，我真的希望能和你分享很多美好的事情。但是，没有那个机会办。

我还记得，当你告诉我你没有时间陪我讲话，希望我能给你一点空间，我就默默的答应你。你却能和m女孩聊到夜夜。完全忘了我。你知道我真的感觉到心如刀割吗？
我不知道为什么，但是我的电脑会有你和m女孩几点和几时上网聊天的information.（你放心！我已经把电脑修理了。这样也好，要不然我看了就会很不衰！）
然我看了，感觉到心酸心痛。

在十一月和十二月之中，我每天都痛哭了一顿我才能睡觉。就像是一个大宝宝。
我真的不知道该做什么好呢？？

希望你能够读我的心里话。

我不怪你。
我只是想暂时放慢脚步。
你需要多久的时间就让你吧。
我会慢慢期待着。

对不起。我知道你现在工作压力很大。没关系。工作重要。我还是会默默的在你背后支持你的。
我现在也不指望什么了。因为，这很像是个定局，而且，我已经不敢再用这两个子了。

希望。

你放心吧。我知道你们两个现在什么关系都没有。
；）

只要你不生病，不劳累，身体健康，我就开心了。
一切就交给上天的安排吧。

9feb2010
二月九号二零一零年

2010-02-03T02:59:00.000+08:00

today was supposed to be an exciting day for me... but it turned out all to be f shit...
shall blog in details either tmr or soon..
knn

2010-02-01T01:11:00.008+08:00

hahahaha... i think me and my boyfriend will quarrel or not happy about each other during the month of december and february...

don't u agree my dear??

but i find it quite fun because, to me, i shall take it as a challenge! jiayou macy!

and i also find it quite funny that even when we not happy or quarrel, we still can call each other and say I LOVE YOU!!..

2010-01-31T15:14:00.002+08:00

nothing much went on...
celebrated bf's birthday at holland on wednesday...
had some emo talk too...

celebrated eugenia and janice birthday at holland yesterday too...
yuppyupp...
quite fun...

ok to be honest, i am seriously damn lazy to blog.. so i shall just end here.. yuppyupp

2010-01-24T00:11:00.004+08:00

lovin' me loads...

2010-01-19T10:21:00.002+08:00

i was just looking thru my wallet and looked and my driving license...
i got it on 30june 2009..
and i realised something...
i had been so insensitvie to someone ...
i am so sorry ok...

i forgot that 30 june is definitely not a day to remember...

yet when u asked me on msn which date i passed my TP, i said so proudly and happily that it's 30june.... that sentence could jolly well pricked your heart moree but i'm so sorry because i forgot and didnt realize it... i hope u know my intentions... i really didnt mean it...

it seems that u don wanna communicate with me...
it's ok..
we're graduating soon and i doubt that we can ever talk to each other again..
yuppyupp
anyway, i wish u all the best but i'm still really sore and sad that we're graduating and wont be seeing each other anymore...
even if it means that i was stealing glances of u in class...

i better treasure the last few weeks now...

take care of yourself in army...
you have one ailment and that could danger u .... i still remember.. but just be careful even when driving...
still thinking of u... as part of a good memory...
all the best...

* and to those who really wanna comment in this post, go ahead... i invite all gossips as the mouth is yours...

2010-01-17T00:31:00.002+08:00

ok... went out to career fair with shiyun in the morning and afternoon... had quite a number of options but not too ideal for me...
drove around aimlessly from 9.30am to about 11.30am.. hahaha... so i drove from eunos to braddell and serangoon.. hahaha

and afternoon went to golden mile to have my thai food.. and also meet my mum...den we went home tgt...

and in the evening, time for me to dress beautifully and go for clara's wedding.. yuppyupp
dunno why but when i sit beside henry korkor, my heart very scared and beating damn hard.. hahaha... don think too much ok ppl! he's just a very very good childhood kor kor of mine...;)

and we had alot of food.. and my father keep telling all of us alot of jokes... and everybody laughed...
lixuan's mum was drunk... hahahaha
so henry had to be the driver home...
and my dad drank beer so i had to be the driver home... hahaha...

i tried to drive with my high heels but it was impossible for me... so i drove barefooted today....
and while driving halfway, my contact lense dropped... shit.... and i swayed the car but none of my passengers warned me ... and i almost lang-gared into a mitsubishi....hahaha but lucky no... i managed to put back my contact lense with no hands on the steering wheel... and vehicle still moving ... LOL...
i am courting death!

and talking about lang-ga, me and shiyun witnessed an accident at the junction of bugis and lavender area.. hahaha...
as i didn't want to be classified as a potential witness, i drove off quickly... but it was damn scary to actually observe an accident... yuppyupp
lucky no one was hurt.. just a minor one!!

anyway, gotta do my space assignment by tmr... gambatte!!!
and clearing of my room tomoro as well...
and to study FM for tuesday test!

2010-01-16T03:09:00.003+08:00

work's fun becoz i get to be host and cashier...
and i received more compliments day by day which is a good thing for me..
i'm happy

but i'm also a little disappointed about something...
my bf doesnt really remember things i told him...
to me, it's like he doesnt even want to bother to remember things about me or whatever...
i know i know ... i will try to be understanding...
but he have to knw that i let him know when i going out... go where on which day is because i want him to participate in my life .. but he doesn't have the energy or want to.. i dunno..

and he doesnt really want me to participate in his life...
like he doesnt want me to know what he doing...
blah blah blah...
ok ok .. i will be understanding..

but maybe, i will just tell him lesser things about my life too...
because even if i tell him, he either forget or will tell me he dunno...
aiya .. no point la.. in the end the person who is upset is me... not him ... so ya!

ciao!!
i have a wedding dinner tomoro!!

2010-01-13T00:37:00.001+08:00

today's just another day..
dad promised to be home for dinner and cut cake with mum for her bday...
but in the end, he came back at 11plus pm..

thanks alot for making me so " happy" and "xinfu" in this house.

2010-01-12T01:16:00.003+08:00

what would have been the first one and half year this month for us?
but somehow, there is no significance to this at all..
we have never celebrated even the first year...
let alone first month...

14feb, 25dec, and maybe soon, it will be 12 may... i think all this will be long forgotten dates..
and soon it will be just be another day for us..
just another usual day of waking up in the morning, brushing ya teeth, shower, get out of house to go school/work...
all the way until at night, where we each go back to our nest and sleep...
the next day arrives and the same routine goes again...

i am always fighting...
fighting alone...
to me, it feels like i am being surrounded by many people ready to attack me...
and i am just fighting everything off my shoulder alone...
and i also fight others just to make sure that people around me are happier than i am..
why am i doing all this things?

and today afternoon, i went to bugis to collect some documents..
when i looked into the kitchen...
i saw them like THAT again..
fuck everything..
that moment, my life just turned upside down..
my blood was damn boiling hot and red..
i just suddenly got angry..
i talked with sacarstism(dunno how to spell)
jus wonder why i have such a boyfriend..
who doesn't make me feel like i have a sense of security..
i feel so unsafe...
his actions towards other girls...
it jus makes me feel that i am more and more disappointed in him...

and i just hope that somebody should grow up soon.. and not try to act cute or whatever..
really
...
but anw, this is not my concern whether this person love to act cute or whatever... in the end, the person to suffer is not me ... is that person...

**ps: i HATE act cute people! and also SLUTS.... and SLUTS happen to have a name start with S....................

2010-01-10T22:35:00.003+08:00

(RAH)² (AH)³ + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)² + (OOH)(LA)²

wa seh.. this is a damn fucking cool equation!
my favourite song of the week..
anybody guess??

hahahaha
BAD ROMANCE
LADY GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

awesome.....
want your bad romance...

and i cant wait for daddy to go thailand for 5 days...
OMG 5 days!!
= i can use the car without asking for 5 days!!
woohoo...
i drive from woodlands to pasir ris without anybody nagging...
hahahaha
AT MY OWN FUCKING COST!!

no la...
i guess i will just drive to school and back home..
i am damn guai one!
and my dad just won 4d... hahaha only $100+.. at least can cover the car parts that my dad lang-gared his car backside... muahahahha

and i am not leaving ma maison until further notice!!
because, they finally appreciate me!!
wahahahahahahaha

2010-01-06T23:32:00.005+08:00

we got a damn sad news...
this could seriously affect me and my dear very badly...
i really hope that dear will not give up......
if he gives up, it also means he is giving me up too...

den i will be damn sad to the max...

it is possible that dear may go back to malaysia forever??
and leaving me here.....
hai hai hai...
why is this all happening?
how am i going to live without him??

however, i told him that, if his family wishes him to go back to malaysia, den we will probably break up and let him go back...
however dear, i will hope u consider properly..
i really need u here...
i don want u to give up..
i believe we will work this out together and make sure that u can be here in singapore... is that ok??
pls don make me sad...

actually, i am already sad... fear of the future things that might happen to us...

i don wan those branded things anymore... i don need those ming pai huo anymore...
i need chan kuan tatt to be here with me forever...
i hope u are reading this my dear..
for now, i shall remain a positive thinking that he will be here with me forever..
and, dear if u are reading this, i hope u know that i want you to talk to me and discuss things together with me ok???/

i love u ...
1% no too little
10% still too little
50% not enough yet
99% definitely not enough
100% should be enough right??!!

101%.. this is for my dear chan kuan tatt...
ma maison assistant chef bugis!
200, Victoria Street
#02-51
Ma Maison Restaurant...

;)
love always, from macy kwek jing ying

and now when i am writing this, it's already 7 jan 2010...
what i wrote just now about one hours plus ago was on 6 jan 2010..
i am really afraid that the day will come and how will i cope?
will i be sad?
will i cry alot?
can i stand up again?
tomoro is 8 jan 2010...
i am so afraid... that he will not be here for me...

2010-01-06T00:22:00.002+08:00

i am damn scared now...
i am going for a blood test at bedok tomoro...
i guess i wont be going to school..
and i wont be getting an mc.. yuppyupp..

and on top of all this, my flu is really bad...
and, i slept in class again today...
shit!

kenny talked to me again...
he is teaching me things... which i really appreciate..
however, kenny i really hope u move on...
u have your life and i have mine...
don wait for me anymore ok...

and i really love to have you as a friend...
if u really wanna wait, just wait ba u..

don worry kenny i'm fine.. thanks for your concern!
;)

2010-01-04T23:59:00.003+08:00

today school started...
didnt really feel excited...
just a bit sad that school is ending soon...
and today i got so tired that i slept in class twice....
and i had a terrible headache after that..

and i really tried to be nice and show concern but apparently, everything just backfire...
i'm damn sad...
but it's ok...
i think i will not do such things again...
it's just like i do something good to someone and benefit him but in return, he got angry and say i did it too much...

well, it does not matter...
i shall just mind my own business now..
and also, i think i have no status and i don mean anything to anybody anymore...
just damn sad now...
but it's ok...
i will just other things..;)
smiles!

2009-12-31T08:31:00.002+08:00

hi everybody....
sorry i'm still not in the mood on my daily life...
and i had a bad day at work yesterday...
kena fucked by two customers...
yuppyuppp
den some more boss keep standing beside me...
fuck lor...
if he never come central, i think things will be more smooth..
he ask cheng suan be controller = super dead
at first when ricky was the controller, things were still more controllable...
even though cheng suan was damn slow on floor also, at least i can control him and teach him what to do.... but ya san ask him go controller...
some more he come fuck me and ask me why today he not controller...
how the fuck would i know lor...
victor didnt even say anything at all lor....
fuck la...
den when ya san came, he asked cheng suan to be controller and ricky on floor... damn jam like fuck lor...
den when controller jam, outside also kena...
den once again, i kena fucked again...
ccb!!
angry!!

however, i don wanna spoil anybody's mood...
today's new year's eve... so tmr is new year's day...
a new welcome to 2010...

happy new year everybody!!
have a great start to 2010.......

my new year resolution
1. to be a better person than who i am now..
2. improve my relationship
3. earn more money and start to do savings
4. do a financial plan for my whole future
5. to jian fei!

love, macy kwek jing ying

2009-12-29T01:40:00.002+08:00

dear's off day today...
i spent half the day "dating" weixiong today... for fyp.. hahaha..
den after that rush to meet dear... yuppyuppp
we're gonna buy that levi's jeans for him.. hahahaha... yuppyupp
and we ate jap food at ps... i was damn hungry when outside the restaurant... but go inside, look at menu and i not hungry liao.... dunno why... maybe because of ......... but nvm...

den dear ask me a damn stun question at carefour today....
but i'm always afraid of the answer and the result... hai.....

anw, great day;)

2009-12-23T00:21:00.004+08:00

i am having a fever since 7 am this morning... now is 12.26am .... that means i'm already sick for more than 12 hours...
and i'm still really heart broken+ sad+hurt...
many things happened...
relationship
work...

all at the same time...

i'm still trying to go strong...
but i may just crumble anytime..

to be continued now
now is 2.48am...
we just hang up our calls...
i think we are just distancing apart...
he shows only words of concern now...
no more actions...
but this is what he can do because of his work...
this is what i call numbness in my heart...
having a boyfriend but no there physically for me.
not complaining but just showing my opinion...
when i have difficulties, i have to face it alone...
when i really need a shoulder to cry on, i have to cry alone... just like now, i am crying again...
when i really need someone to talk to, i either talk to this blog or just pretend that it never happens...

to all, my pillar of support and strength have already fallen... really badly...
when i talk to him about all this, he will ask me to leave him...
does all this things make things fair for me?
at all?
why doesnt he know how to compromise me?
why doesnt he do things to improve things?
why is it always me to do things?
the past was like that.... the present is still like that...
why all my relationships end up in a bad shape?
WHERE ARE ALL YOUR INITIATIVES?
i am a girl you know...
why do i have to GRAB my sense of security and not the sense of security COMING towards me?
why why why........

i really need to drink and drown myself in alcohol... the habit has started to kick in again...
24dec after work... shall do so...
those who are having such problems, or want to acc me, call me.. i will be at clarke qauy from 11pm onwards...

2009-12-22T02:49:00.002+08:00

i'm crying again!...
this is the fifth night i am crying...
i'm still not being taken into consideration...
they don't understand me...
so what if i am now able to head the restaurant at clarke quay?
it sounds good right?
bullshit...
they don't respect me...

today boss talked to me privately..
actually to szebim xlg as well...
according to bim, boss told her that he really appreciates me here...
but they don't understand how i feel and i am not able to voice it all out...
xmas eve i guess i wont be able to be at bugis...
maybe not even in the future anymore...
this whole thing just made me really sad....
all i want for this christmas is just for me to be at bugis so i can work with dear... because both of us cant spend christmas together but my only wish is for us to work together...
yet serenena cant grant me this wish....
so what if they put me in charge at central? my heart will not be there to work...
during christmas i think i will not go back bugis celebrate at all...
i just want to go somewhere quiet and cool down and think...
so dear, don worry you just go and celebrate and relax and have fun ok..
i really just need some quiet time......
alone?
i guess so.....

boss talked to me about how i find working at central...
fuck shit...
everythg is dang dang unfair for me...
what's unfair if anybody asked me ?
i dunno...
everythg's just unfair....

even if they put me at bugis on xmas eve, my heart will no longer be there to enjoy work already...
为了那一天放我在哪里，看穿了大家的真面目。
so this is how i am being treated... thank you so much...

january... the last month...
and sayonara for good...
unless someone really convince me out of it...

i see him only once a week...
four times a month...
52 times a year...

this triggers alot of things to happen...

but it doesn't matter to me anymore...
people make things hard for us...

2009-12-20T03:12:00.003+08:00

christmas is a season to be joyful...
well, i don't think this is the case for me... yuppyupp
recently, i discovered many secrets...
that really made me sad...
even till now when i think about it...

i still cannot believe what happened...
why am i the one suffering all this but yet they dunno and don't feel it or even when they know about it, why he don't share and suffer with me?

seriously, this is getting bad..
half of me is telling me to really just go and die...
but the other half of me is telling me to forgive and forget...

but history will repeat itself...
he has betrayed my trust in him...
impossible to turn back time already...

i have been crying silently..... almost every night..
even during work today.. i just suddenly broke down...
i got angry with someone but somehow, i focused my atttention to his problem...
and i just cried...
ken looked shocked...
jason too...
the maid in the toilet as well..
lucky, there's no much customers...

let me heal my heart...
by myself..
all by myself...
i am just back to square one...

2009-12-15T02:34:00.002+08:00

the pain i got on my hand and neck are so damn painful...
well, i got so angry that i scratch myself until it bleeds...

bt anw, worked at central today...
many fucking things to consider...
many many reservations...
start to panic...
12,12,5,2,2,2,2,2,2.. wad is this man.. how to fucking arrange sia..
somemore the floor is damn bloody not strong...
novia, yiling, margaret and me as the head of floor and the controller???!! = die die and maybe a little bit more die..
more die= no controller.. .wad the toot is this man...
wad kind of toot schedule victor planned... no consideration at all...
so in the end, sos with serenena... thanks for putting mr kam meng swee at central with me...he really help me alot alot.. thanks alot my fren!!
he taught me cashier closing also... thanks thanks...
hahaha... my new staff got complained and i have to help her si pi gu...
den i did get alot of compliment letter as well.. which is good..
so i arrange to put mengswee as host and cashier for me....
me and novia will run the floor... of course novia to do more things than me la. because i have to arrange things...hahahaha...
especially ensuring that the orders are served properly... and to the right table... and that customers are happy...\
and masayuki is the controller though he was untrained at all... but i trained and assist him together with jason.. yuppyupp.. so thanks jason for helping me as well...
and i was so busy with entertaining my customers that i totally forgot about masa... hahaha... i suppose to assist him and i got trapped in customer's tables... but in the end i managed to sort things out right together with mengswee... yuppyupp.. closing was successful.. yuppyupp... left ma maison at about 11.15pm.. hahahaha
ciao...

2009-12-15T01:51:00.001+08:00

betrayal...
angry...
sad...
heartbroken...
no trust....
faint...

these are the words that best describe me...
especially this is happening to me and him...

everything is just his fucking fault...
fuck!

2009-12-14T00:05:00.002+08:00

test are all over.... well not really for me.. muhahahahaha...
i need to do one test when school reopen............
anw, last week had been really tight and scary week for me...
i was really scared on my performance because i had to meet someone..
i was scared that these someones will not like me or maybe even compare me with her...ya...
so i had to be natural... and do my best...

so we went out and talk alot alot...
it was quite ok lea...
these someones talk to me alot about the family life and each of her family members..
even when she touch me or wad, i really feel like crying...
because these someone reminds me of.........
and these someone buy me things also... make me feel very touched...

i think i really love them alot... really...

ya... so now's holiday...
but have given alot of schedule to central....
arghhhh...
this is bad...
don't really wanna go to bugis....because have to face some people and sibeh sian...
only on christmas eve maybe.. hahaha...

but anw, this is for my dear and also Miss M and also me to see...
after so many problems with you and me and her Miss M,
i shall trust the 3 of us together.. yuppyupp
because i believe you are a good boy from young and a good man up till now to a girlfriend like me... and maybe future wifeee...
i shall believe that you will not disappoint me because if you betray me, u will also betray your mother... she will be really sad...
so i believe you are a real good man after what your mama say about you.. yuppyupp
so before you do anything bad to me, think of your mama ok... MUHAHAHAHA..
your mama is my dang jian pai now!! be careful!!

anw, i am never easy to bluff... so jiayou macy!
love yourself... don bother about others... hahahaha..
good luck...

2009-12-12T01:14:00.001+08:00

i love my fat pig BF!!
does anybody love him too?!!!
you dare??!!
i humtup u ah...
only i can love him lor!!

hahahaha but nehmind.. i still love my big fat pig!

2009-12-08T00:17:00.002+08:00

yesterday had a long chat with boyfriend at about midnight.. and face to face...
he said something that he keep inside his heart for very long...
that really make my heart go deep deep down...
i felt really sad......
i drove home with a weak heart....
well, sorry i don want to say such personal things here...
but i really just want to let him and anybody reading my blog knows that, in a relationship, there are sure to be quarrels and arguements...
don let all of this affect your relationship such as breaking up...
each and everyone of us should work towards a better relationship with each other...
dear... i really don wan that thing to happen to us...
i am always happy with you.. just that i think i demand too much things from u already...
we have to stay and be together with each other... if we are going to walk away from each other, both of us will be really sad...
since the day we started being together, i already accept who you are no matter what kind of person u are... what kind of work you working as .... whether you got time for me....
but i really really love you... and i really want you to be beside me and i really want to be beside you also... will this happen? i don wan you to think of what you tell me yesterday night at all... we will walk together down the road forever....
i hope you understand what i said..
i love you fat pig

2009-12-05T00:13:00.000+08:00

vomitted after i got home... only some frens know why... i don wanna write it here because it's kinda sensitive...
hahaha....
and i also got a big headache...
a true experience for me...
but it's ok i really appreciate wad you are doing for us... thanks guy!

2009-12-04T23:05:00.002+08:00

seriously.. why am i crying again?
stress over test or what?
seeing him again and again?
thinking of him again and again?
why everything i go to places like marina sqaure, jurong east, i think of him again?

fuck it................
and my life is seriously damn boring ........

2009-12-04T00:18:00.002+08:00

sometimes the pain is still there...
those past few weeks of pain is still there..
it's difficult but life's still gotta move on...

hurt+stabbed...
thanks girl for inflicting such pain on me.... even though it's over but it's not..

2009-12-03T00:31:00.005+08:00

yesterday at about 10.30pm, i drove out to bugis to have steamboat with colleagues...
actually it's a farewell dinner for yoko.. yuppyupp
quite reluctant to go because i will feel damn sad...
haha... many many ppl went and i go there only eat the kidney and liver.. muhahahaha.. siao one... but ma maison pay so i don care... muhahahahaha
chatted with masayuki and szebim and yiling and zheyang... these ppl are damn fun lot lor... hahahaha...
i think i will enjoy myself with them always..
but too bad masayuki is going to australia liao...
and he knows how to speak thai lor... hahahahaha that's damn cool la...
szebim xiaolaogong and i and masayuki will go to orchard central to have our threesome date.. at tonkaichi.. muhahaha.. so happy and excited.... but i'm looking forward more to the gathering la.. .yuppyuppp
and szebim xlg bought me a care bear... lub her alot sia...
den after the steamboat, i drove ram and dear home befor chionging at least 100km/h home on PIE... damn shiok la.... they furthest speed i went yesterday night was 115km/h.... BEST!!!
and good job!!
if dad know's about this sure slaughter me alive!! jialat !!

and today was dear's off day...
so morning he went to msia..
den at bout 4plus pm, met him and 2nd jiejie eat her lunch at taka... chat abit and talk talk lor.. hahahaha
den me and dear go walk walk to mandarin gallery and dear wanted to buy y3 bag.. yuppyupp...
den we walk to orchard central to have our abalone dinner...
hahahaha we paid so much just to get one super sibeh small abalone on our "fried" rice... quite ok but just disappointed abalone so small...
and after that went to chil at dear's house...
and bout 10plus pm, it's time to go home...
dear sent me to 985 busstop...
we talked quite abit ...

and dear.... i want to tell you that it's not too late to regret(hou hui) ok....
i will support your decision...
i just want you to be happy......
don worry about me... i am prepared for anything.. yuppyupp..
but i really hope that you and me....... argh nvm.. your choice.. hahaha...
and i will give you time to let her and her friends know about us... well, actually, if you need another year, or maybe 10 years i dunno, i will give it to you...
but if you don wan to let her know about me in case you scared you make her cry or sad or heartbroken, it's ok.. haha... no problem...
i am more afraid on how to face the situation if one day we walk on the street and go shopping and see her... what are we going to do...
but don worry i already standby plan for you liao.... in case we see her or her friends, i will just walk away and don hold you hands... then pretend that we dunno each other... simple !! hahaha see my plan will be super good one........
don worry i will be fine...
i will try to understand.........

and tmr, i'm going to izumi's salon to do up my hair.. cut slightly shorter and perm again.. hahahaha
fun fun fun
and also
free free free...

ciao-ing.. lub everyone!
2 december 2009

2009-11-30T01:16:00.002+08:00

today is dear's off day...
so went to find him at bout 10plus am...
den about 2plus pm, we set off to orchard road...
he wanted to see the potter bag...
and on the way to orchard, we saw zhe yang and me and dear keep playing and talking shit on how cute zheyang is blahblahblah.. hahaha it's damn funny...
den the 3 of us alighted at ion bus stop..
yuppyupp
walked around ion for quite a long time.. and dear went to zara to buy his pants...
paid but cannot receive the pants because of the electronic error..
so i told dear he is ming zhong zhu ding cannot buy the EXPENSIVE pants...

and we queued up for the tako ball because i just wanted to eat something small in portion..
and i bought paopaocha...
bubble tea la...
quite sour..
hahaha

den we walked over to wisma atria... yuppyupp..;) to go see the potter bag but much to his disappointment, it was under renovation... good job!! and then we went to espirit and dear asked me to try one of the dress and honestly speaking, it was damn nice on me and dear loved it but i think it is abit ex....

den we walked over to ngee ann city and taka...
hahaha... we went to pull and bear... yuppyupp.. dear bought a super nice shirt for himself.... and then we walked out of the shop..
but we went back in not long later because i love the buttoned shirt that cost 39.90... but i she bu de to buy.. hahaha ... so dear force me to buy because i really have been wearing the same thing many times... and of course, he paid for it... thanks yo!

den we went to tampopo to have our dinner.... 3.5 out of 5... hahahaha
yuppyupp... we shared our tonkatsu ramen+mini pork slice don+onigiri+custard pudding+matcha cake...
loved it...
since deardear paid for most of my things alot of times, i paid for this bill.. hahaha

after dinner, dear sent me back home and we chatted on how to improve our relationship and things that happened quite badly to us a few weeks ago and we are both glad that things are working out quite well... we shall work towards our future...;)

and we chatted for awhile at my void deck and saw my parents come home and we played hide and seek.... hahahhaa.. lol.. not that i am scared of my parents or my parents seeing him... but i don like my parents ask so many question.... later we both will shy.. yuppyupp..

anw dear.. my psp is with u but u don play too much because u need more rest than anything else...

love you and thanks for the day;)
i really appreciate this and feels very very happy;)

love, macy kwek jing ying;)

2009-11-29T02:05:00.001+08:00

hmmmmmmm somehow things start to get complicated and i am somehow implicated as well...
oh gosh... but i shall let them settle things...
whatever.........

2009-11-29T00:24:00.002+08:00

oh my lol.. everything is just so funny...
it's just like she/them is/are making a fool out of themselves...

but it's ok.. if these childish ppl are so fascinated, then i shall gladly entertain them...
being in the working world, what have i not seen before...
and i went to her working place and she looked stunned... but sooner or later, her secret would be revealed..
good luck to you;)

being the controller today was damn fun... but tiring as well...

2009-11-28T01:28:00.001+08:00

hahaha i think that person is damn dumb to add a new post to her blog...
she really worries for nothing...
but anyway, her worrying wont and doesn't bother me at all...
she just feels insecure...
and that is down-right dumb...

and i pity him for having a damn dumb girlfren...
good luck to you...

2009-11-27T15:52:00.002+08:00

刘力扬-寂寞光年
是谁从我天空摘走了星星
一转眼眉头聚满乌云
从来快乐悲伤都自己横行
忘了我也值得被关心
一双手一个梦一路上不断的俯冲
痛到忘了要怎么喊痛

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫
漫长的等候让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待消失的彩虹

是谁将阳光都剪成了雨滴
天灰了,快乐总有限期
从来都陷在孤独的流沙里
忘了我也配被人在意
一个人一直走看着梦像做了又空
精疲力尽有没有哪里可以停泊

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想有拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫
漫长的等候让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待消失的彩虹

那是谁的温柔留在我的小手微不足道却那么重
漫长的寂寞把意志都吞没
整个世界是沉默的漩涡
有谁能陪我手牵着手出走
带我离开空洞的星球
还有什么值得追求
还有什么可以拥有
把怀抱借给我是不是就不再颤抖
有谁能带走这美丽的哀愁
能让我相信被爱的理由

tears are still flowing down my face... as though it is a free-flow buffet system....
how sad but i guess this is a choice i made and i must accept it.
just feeling sad that things are not moving on at all...
but it's ok... i am too tired to think already...

go other things better..

2009-11-27T02:41:00.002+08:00

cheerful and easy-going...
i am glad i know how to do valuation.. muahhahaha..

and somebody sure has something against me and i think she's damn sensitive when i totally did nothing at all.. it's so lol.. nevermind.. she's wasting her own life and energy by thinking and she'll go crazy... pls la.... in class today, she just stare at me and writing lots of nonsense.. pls.... look at yourself in the mirror before commenting...
but i'm proud of what she's thinking and doing ... at least she thinks highly of me...

and today went to work at central.. hahaha..
working with masayuki and yiling(zheyang's sis) was just so fun.. hahaha.. yuppyupp.........

i shall study law for the whole day on friday.. muhahaha

and szebim is now my newl declared xiao laogong... lub her la...
muhahahaha....
miss her so much...
my ideal working frens would be szebim, masayuki, sato, zheyang, yilling.. muahahaha sure fun liao siao...
muhahahaha
muhahahaha
muhahahaha
muhahahaha
muhahahaha
and the way victor looks at me today, somehow made me feel so shy... *faint*

2009-11-23T23:53:00.002+08:00

my dad is feeding me with those weird weird medicine again...
i'm so sick of my body..
why everyday i have to take all of this..............
there's so many side effects....
why was i born into this world to suffer........

hate myself... or rather my body...

2009-11-23T22:03:00.002+08:00

ok posted that post and hope they will read it without me purposely telling them...

i slept at 5.30pm when i got home...
i woke up at 8.30pm...
i had this really bad dream that i felt i could not wake up from it...
when i finally managed to get myself to wake up, i thought the time was already 3 or 4 am...
and i panicked because i have not completed my fyp.. gawdssss...

and i stared into the empty space... with fear...
i dream of 3 persons...
me, shiyun and my dad...
the dream was, i am lost somewhere in malaysia...
i was taking a break from studies with shiyun... and i went out to buy drinks..
along the way, i saw my dad.... he's lost too...
but i hailed a taxi and totally ignored my dad... i went one big round in a mini cooper taxi before asking the driver to turn around in a very long windy road to back where i saw my dad... i spotted my dad and he was walking very very slowly to where he came from and somehow it kinda made me sad... real sad...
ending: fetched my dad back to where he came from in the mini cooper taxi... HAHAHA!
THE END!!

2009-11-23T21:48:00.003+08:00

this shall be my last post on all this things...

well, i am still very stressed and sad about those things that happened... but apparently, the whole thing shall be deemed as my fault somehow...

i am still trying to cope well with all these setbacks...

but i must be strong because i am always the one to help people up and how could i fall down because of all this minor things... this kind of things sure happen within our daily lives...

so macy, this is the part where we stand up from where we fall and learn...
i am someone who gets jealous easily because i really need my someone to give me a sense of security...

even facts that he is talking to her much much more than me after office hours also bothers me...
can be via sms, calls, msn etc... that's because he would tell me he's busy but actually communicating with her and then the whole thing becomes him neglecting me and paying more attention to her...

well this shall serve as a super friendly and kind reminder to him and her.... you guys shall have your freedom without me interfering.... but please don't treat me as a transparent thing...
but since this has been a norm to them as they are colleagues, and of course with that privacy capped over it, i shall stay out of everything and lead my life fruitfully... i shall always tell myself, i always have a good choice out there...

so macy, you should treasure what you have and be brave...
controlling too much brings no happiness... i shall follow this new ruleeee of mine...
don nobody should feel guilty .. only me should do that.... so everybody else's please live happily... this whole thing started because of me...

and i have pasted as a wallpaper on my handphone some wordings that i wrote myself... this is just to give myself a simple reminder...
" trust is the key to a good & stable relationship. trust bf!! 加油macy!!你要对自己和男朋友有信心。!!"
AND THE cute shiyun wrote " love him enough to trust him"

and i really dunno if he will read this but i am sure she will read this... am i right girl?
you may or may not want to reply me but it is ok... because it is quite hard to do so....
i will wait but if you don't reply, it is still ok with me...

and i'm gonna eat vegetarian food or just sandwich so that i will that i am making up for things.. yuppyupp........ my blessings from all my friends please!

thanks liu shiyun for talking alot to me.... and hearing me out.. thanks alot... love u ...

2009-11-23T00:50:00.001+08:00

i sure love playing HARD TO GET...
ooooohoooo....

let the wind get into my hair!!.. go go ...

2009-11-22T22:05:00.002+08:00

today is not a good day for me again..
fever and flu at the same time.. took panadol and slept... oooooo
den in the evening, i started to get better and could gt out of bed..
went for dinner with parents at bukit timah plaza.... we ate taiwan food...
my dad and mum's food is so delicious but mine sucks... eeeeeeeeeeeee...
den we went to "aunty you see" NTUC .... hahahaa
mum bought alot of things...
and here i am back home...

dear called... talked awhile and hang up... let him go play game la..
but i really miss him alot.. haiiiiiiiiii seeing him once a week is really bad for me... but i will tahan...

so now i am going to do my work;)

2009-11-22T01:44:00.001+08:00

macy!! you are the only one who can salvage everything!!
go go go...
and i need to sleep to gain back my energy.. not doing something stupid..
so all in all, i am always the one at fault ..
anywaysssssss, i'm used to this and shall accept the fact...

gooodnight everybody...
really goodnight... no kidding...

2009-11-22T00:58:00.000+08:00

if i sleep, i may never wake up..........
will this happen...
sometimes how i wish it really happens...
goodnight everybody...

2009-11-22T00:06:00.002+08:00

jus back... mind is full confuse-ness...
it came to a shock and grief to me that he lied to me...
my heart and mind just turned from pumping hard to numb...
and of course, broken into 10000000000000 pieces...
he was the one who told me not to lie to each other...

but i understand what he is explaining... he just didnt want me to think too much...
but what i hate is, he lied to me....
i really want him to tell me the truth... do you know that by lying to me you make me think alot more??
it's just all because of her call...
and he could dump my call just to hear her call... good job!

this is just damn dumb...
i'm tired...
i shall just walkk my life down and pretend nothing has happened...

2009-11-21T01:45:00.001+08:00

macy should change for the better really..
macy should learn how to trust her bf..
macy must do it!!
because macy loves him...

so i'm going sentosa tomoro to let it all out...

and macy also wants her bf to believe in her.. yuppyupp...

2009-11-20T23:22:00.003+08:00

tomoro is 21 november 2009... the day but it's over...sad...

and

what should i do tomoro....
stay at home or go out?
i think i would choose to go out...
because after next week confirm cannot go out already...
sian sian ...
nobody wanna go out with me tomoro...
where is my bf's soul and heart? i want it back!! hai hai hai...
meet him like once a week only...
i miss everything in the past...

2009-11-20T23:13:00.004+08:00

lies lies and all pack of lies.
both are lying to me.. and i know it;)

you betrayed my trust once again...
not honest...
shall go along and play along with that...

just ultimately HATE people who lie... and don expect me to trust u again...
watch where you going and what you doing...
just beware...
i'm capable of doing things and it's a matter of whether i choose to do it or not...
sickening week i have....
fuck shit...

2009-11-19T00:25:00.002+08:00

once bitten and twice shy... haha
but all i know is, i really have to be more cautious... yuppyupp... in handling things... and never close two eyes... still watching and as alert as an eagle.
certain issues are not worthy of trust...
i believe i am capable of doing such things... i did it before...
we shall watch and see...

didnt enjoy myself much at teck hwa house... not because of the company...because i really had alot of things on my mind... i drove on wrong roads... almost got accident with the car by scratching it..
i am unlucky in r/s but i am lucky in gambling... i won about 5 dollars in ban luck.. hahaha blackjack.. fun fun... if i play mahjong sure win more... but never play...

i miss me...

2009-11-18T01:34:00.002+08:00

thank YOU so much!!... really..
my heart really hearts... or maybe actually immune to such things...
i dunno...
everythg just made me so inferior...
my skin problem... i'm keeping long hair just to cover up.. i'm wearing super long jacket just to cover up... but by doing all this things, it gave a reverse effect....it gt worse....
my leg problem... i have a fucking damn pair of crooked leg... hurts even when i walk.... that explains why i walk so fast... otherwise it will be painful...
my whole life full of history of people cheating on one another...
r/s problems...
getting nowhere..
bf is working working.. i am studying studying... this whole thing never ends...
the only time we actually get to literally SEE each other is his off day.... which is like once a week...
i just need him to pay more attention to me rather than someone else... seriously... like the things i'm doing... how my grandma is.... was the dinner on sunday nice... what did aunt cook....
all this while, kenny has been offering to talk to me more but i keep rejecting him and i told him that don worry my bf will talk to me one....
he told me to give him a chance again on facebook.....
alot of my friends saw the msg on facebook...
but again, i only treat him like a brother.. i rejected him again...
because i always had faith in my r/s with my bf.... but now....
what is happening...
we have never really celebrated our 1st yr anni....... we did wish each other but that's all...
i overcame that silent disappointment...
valentines day xmas day alll cannot celebrate and i perfectly understand because in the f n b line don have such thing so it's ok for me...
rather den doing my stuff, why do i actually have to worry about so many things?... i really don understand... i need to share my concerns and worries and angryness with him but somehow it doesnt seem to work it through...
evrytime i see flowers.... fresh flowers.. specially delivered for serenena from bryan... sometimes i wonder why this is not happening to me...am i not too good a gf to u?....
bryan bake cakes in japan and send it by air for serenena...
i feel really happy for her... i cried for her... but truthfully speaking, i was crying out of sadness for me......

we even quarrelled over your spass and pr thingy.... i wonder why...

and you promised that on our one year, we wld go buy a ring....
and the ring came to our lives when we are one yr and 2 months...

now that we've got the ring, you said u didnt like to put it on becoz of work.. i understand... and you said you will buy a necklace.... it has been 1 and half months since u said u gonna buy a necklace..

if you didnt put our photo on your handphone, nobody knows you have a girlfriend and that's me...you didnt save my number in your phone for more than one year.... and i had to do it for you... writing the name as Deardear... is my status as: Chan Kuan Tatt's girlfriend not even fit u ?.............

i asked myself all these questions and somehow i got ALL the answers right...
decision-made..............
you will always deny everything.. i understand.. human nature to do that...
cool off period shall be given... until further notice...

thanks for your appearance and destroying us... thank you

love always from jing ying...

2009-11-18T00:26:00.001+08:00

now i hate to blog....
because i have to talk things here
i hate to talk things here...
and i get stomach cramps everytime i am upset or angry or whatever...

hate it...

2009-11-03T12:18:00.000+08:00

ok quitting ma maison... shall break the news soon....
but then again, i may just become soft hearted and not quit...
i am seriously a fucker!!

and i don care... shall discuss it with sze bim later... meeting her and yoko for hanabi later on... hahahaha...

miss my boy

2009-10-30T12:41:00.002+08:00

slept at 3 am.... woke up at 6.35am...
den went back to sleep until 7.05am...
rush to the toilet to brush teeth and slept on the toilet bowl until 7.15am...
woke up and said SHIT GONNA BE LATE...
den dad knocked on my door to hurry me...
and tada......
i left the house with simple clothes on...
*hmmmm maybe i do wear simple clothes EVERYDAY*

anywayssss...
dad sped to school.. hahahaha and i like it... hahaha
fast and furious... too bad dad's car is only a honda civic 1.6.. HAHAHA
and he said he gonna change to BMW???
fat hope laaaaaaaaa

and next wedensday i'm gonna have the car ALL TO MYSELF!! muhahahahahahaha
and i had to carry a fucking heavy dietary supplement, fishing rods, fishing reels, my file and my bag to school...
just specially for MR REDZUAN!!!
ARGHHHHHHHh
wan... u owe me a big fat halal meal ah!!

anyway, need to rush homework le... ciao

2009-10-30T02:18:00.001+08:00

hai hai.. still doing the piece of shit survey...!! ultimate sian to the max...
somemore just came back from work... but i was like keep scolding gwen.. hahaha
don ask me why.. just HATE working with her...

but on the happier note, i received about 5 compliment letters/survey or whatever u call it, about my quality service.......bleahhhhhhhhhh....... shitttt right... hahaha but it's true...

and getting ready for the battle again tomoro...
and i hate unfaithful guys!!
i also hate unfaithful girls...
you should know who u are...
ciao...

2009-10-28T00:55:00.002+08:00

shiyun has told me in school not to completely forget about C.... but how can i do it... i really wanna completely ignore and forget bout her... because this kind of thing is too hurtful for me...
and i really dislike the other party as well... and she knows it... so today's call to C shall be the last ever...
even C's name on my phonebook will be changed...

bf's back from msia...
condolences to his beloved uncle...
dear... i believe your uncle has had a good life in this world.. thus it's time for us to let him go and live happily in his other world.. smiles...
let him leave in peace by not crying too much ok...
u can pass through this difficult period as i am here for u...

and i think i was quite bad to nag at u so early in the morning today... sorry...
even though u are going through such thing in your life now, but i still nag at you... this is really really very bad....
anyway, u just have a good rest and take care...

love always from macy...

2009-10-27T00:02:00.002+08:00

today i am suppose to feel happy and excited...
well.. i did... but only for a super short while...
describe the happiness first..
went out for steamboat with many many good buddies...
xiong, zoe, yun, rong, chen hao, teck,irina,boon,eugene and justin who came super late...
ate many things but honestly speaking didnt really eat too much... just thinking of many many things... many hurtful stuff...
peeled prawns for the ladies and kinda have a small cut but doesnt matter as i'm immune to pain now...
anyways, afternoon, went to mrs ti's sister house... for valuation lesson... seeing somebody in the bukit batok area really makes me damn sad....
even as we walked past ntuc, bb mrt platform towards the end, the cinema in wm etc fucking make me real sad....
the only thing i can do is ignore ignore...

another sad and really really hurtful thing is, i went to see her fb...
she had pictures of this girl whom i don quite like...
and she seemed really happy to be with her...
suddenly many questions just came to my head...
she said she'll make time to go out with me.... already more than half a year since she said this...
her attitude totally change when we see each other nowadays...
sometimes, this friendship is honestly not worth to be treasured... i made her a bday card... handmade card.... and she promised to give me a present or a card but till now, all i see is just an empty promise from her...
i'm really sad....
to this person....
i think i will just slowly delete u away from my fb....
i don wish to talk and see u again...
u've hurt me again and again and this time, again!!

on top of my anger and hurt and sadness, my dad was late in picking me up for an hour...

and bf's still in msia...
we really have communicated lesser and lesser... all thanks to somebody....which he sms much more than to me ....